Namaste, Bitches

This is my first post of the new year, and cliche as it is, it's about New Year's resolutions... kinda.

So I'm walking down the aisle of my neighborhood Safeway, and dropping various foodstuffs and sundries into my cart and I begin to recall all of the myriad cakes and pastries and meats and liquors and spirits that I have treated myself to, and I decided then and there to not make a resolution, as they are for chumps, but to become resolute.

Just yesterday, I went shopping and tried on a pair of jeans that I should have laughed at someone trying to get me to put on and they didn't fit at all. I couldn't place the feeling, as it wasn't quite shame as I had too much fun wrecking my body, and I still cannot, but I can say now that I don't like it, and I want it to stop.

Instead of kicking things and sulking(and stress-eating), I decided to come up with a plan. It's still in its infant stages, but as it stands, it is in three parts:

First, I have got to get my weight under control. I am running short of fat clothes, and I can only use the “sweat pants are comfy” excuse for another week before I crack under the stress of keeping the lie alive. I have to actually attend my gym and work out, because my current pump from the couch technique is tragically flawed. I also, and this pains me to even think, cut out the liquor. I will still drink beer in moderation, because if I don't, you will all see me on the evening news, and there are health benefits to controlled beer consumption. I will also have to adjust my diet, but thankfully, all I would have to do would be skip out on the take out(which I hate anyway), and eat more fish. However, I won't be able to eat the cookies, pies and cakes that I love and would stab a paraplegic nun in the face over.

Second, I need to organize my mess of a life. It';s kind of embarrassing to discuss matters such as these in open forum, but it's necessary, and should keep me honest. I tend to keep a messy room. I just do. I wreck it and leave it for another day. Starting today, I need that to stop. I also need to reduce my television watching by half. I used to hate the idiot box, and now it cuts so deeply into my writing time, that I never get around to it.

Oh, wait. Just the two, then. That makes me feel better.

Standup routine excerpt.

So apparently, I think that I'm funny, too. You tell me.

since when did ladies stop wanting sixpacks?

as you can tell, I don't segue shit. probably should. there are a lot of things that I should do that I don't. Like situps. Not eating $100 of sushi with six beers by myself in a single sitting. Like buying bags of marshmallows, and then just eating them. Like a fat bitch. I just hope that I don't get tits. I'll kill myself. The only six pack that I have is in my fridge and filled with Smithwick's. Interesting though, because you ladies, seem to like this. I'm not a total worthless sack of ass, I still hit the gym, I just hit the buffet much, much, much harder. Thing is, you ladies, like this(presents). Hot damn.
When I was thin, I got ZERO play. I hit 360lbs, and I couldn't keep track of all the extra womens trying to take me out for dinner, get me all fat... er. I thought that maybe it was because of some other reason, but the past few years, all I hear about is how women don't want dudes with six packs- you want big arms, a smile and-
Oh, am I letting the cat out the bag? OOOPS!
Anyway, you want big arms, a smile, and you LIKE the belly. I'm gonna get assassinated by Richard Smileyface Simmons, because it's true, fine women, like dudes with bellies. When did ladies stop wanting six packs, because I have never dated a chick that would see me fresh from the gym and not tell me to lose too much. It's mystifying. Sir-Mix needs to come out with a new one; "you can do sidebends or situps, but
please don't lose that gut!"